So I saw something the other day that someone said/did/posted and it triggered me. Triggered me big time. I can’t tell you exactly why, I just know that it sent a ripple through my soul and made me realise I’ve got issues. I’ve got unresolved issues. It triggered me so bad that it impacted wounds I thought were healed. It triggered me so bad that I contemplated going through my phone and deleting numbers! My head was flying! As I reasoned with my mind why that was the right thing to do, I heard a little whisper say, that won’t heal it. It will only hide it. And I realised a valuable lesson. That when I get hurt, out of sight, out of mind cannot be my default position. That is not healing cos you can’t see the object of your pain. Healing is when you can see the object of your pain and not be triggered. Too many of us put the hurtful parts of our lives in hiding instead of putting them into a space of healing. It’s the easiest thing to do, and I totally get why we do.
After a lengthy conversation with a friend of mine I realised that there are things that I need to deal with. I think that often in life when you are confronted with your issues it is God wanting it out the way so he can get down to business with your life.
As you read this maybe you’ve been triggered recently. My hope is that my openness and vulnerability will help you to face your mess. We all have it. Mess. Rubbish. Brokenness. We just have to find a safe space to be able to share it and sort it. As I look back at my life I struggle to see safe spaces where I could be completely honest and vulnerable(thankful I have those spaces now). As a result I taught myself that the only me that was acceptable was the one that didn’t have mess. It was the me everyone loved and celebrated. The one everyone wanted to be around and wanted to follow. And it was me. I wasn’t pretending to be something I wasn’t. But I didn’t have a space to be naked and unashamed. Because the gap between my brilliance and brokenness was confusing to me. It was confusing how I could be so brilliant and yet so broken at the same time. It’s in this space God has taught me something so precious. That in my brilliance and in my brokenness my need for God is the same. In my good days and my crap days, my need for God doesn’t change. The truth is my brilliance never has and never will be able to outweigh or wash out my brokenness. So what’s the hope? That actually there is another power at work in my life that can. The power of the cross, the blood of Jesus. That washes out and away every stain. That wipes my slate clean. That gives me a fresh start. That allows me to have my life redeemed from my brokenness. That speaks a better word about me. That rewrites my history and covers me with destiny. This power and truth releases me to be free from the previous failings and decisions of my life. It’s a journey, it’s the journey. One where we are called brilliant by a God who makes us brilliant because of his sacrifice through Christ on the cross. His brilliance, empowers me to walk in my new found brilliance, inspite of my brokenness.
Being triggered isn’t a bad thing, and whenever I am triggered I make it a point to pray for whatever triggered me. Why? Because in my triggered state the only thing that can help me is the brilliance of God and not the brokenness of my heart. The brilliance of God brings into perspective my brokenness and helps me process his heart in the matter. My growth in this journey is found in my growing awareness of how weak and incompetent I am, and how strong and competent Jesus is and continues to be for me. I wish I could say I give my whole heart to Jesus. I can’t. And neither can you. What I can say is that Jesus gave his whole heart for me.
I wish I could say I surrender all to Jesus. I can’t. And neither can you. What I can say is Jesus surrendered it all for me. This is the gap between my brilliance and my brokenness. Jesus. He became broken so I can become brilliant. And he rests in the gap of me out working that everyday. So every time I am triggered, upset, offended or I mess up, I am reminded that the gospel isn’t my ability to hold on to God. It’s his promise that no matter how weak and unsuccessful my faith or efforts may be, he is always holding on to me.
Love, peace and chicken wings